AND HOW TO SET IT ON FIRE

Stage 1: Deciding

I had been sitting on this decision for over 15 years. The only reason I never pulled the trigger was because I was deeply afraid of judgement.

Something in my soul didn’t let me go back all those divorced years ago. There was no doubt in my mind that it was just a matter of time before I changed my name again…until time ran out. See, it was all about being a family. But one day there I was, staring into the reflection of woman with a ghost of a life who couldn’t speak her own name. And my soul was using its painful last breaths to tell me that was my problem the whole time.

It’s easy to explain ditching your ex’s name: it makes everyone uncomfortable when the marriage goes down the toilet and you’ve still got the paper stuck to your shoe. But folks look at you like they’ve just wet themselves if you pick a new name. Yet there I was: couldn’t go back to my birth name, couldn’t go to my grave with my current one, and there was no family forming in front of me.

I imagined going back. I even ordered a few things under my original name to see what it would feel like to receive the packages. It was the same: I didn’t know how to be any different. And my past self fell nice and orderly into its ancestral line, looked at me in the mirror and said it was my comeuppance to re-introduce myself with my tail between my legs. “People Like Us” don’t deserve to feel any better. It felt worse than death. It felt like I died a hundred years ago.

Fifteen years ago, I found my great grandmother’s name at birth—before two marriages, ten children, and emigration for a very different life—and knew then, if I went down that road, this would be it. Pretty is such a light-hearted word, and when I tried her on in the mirror, this is the first thing I experienced: a lightened heart. I liked it. I liked how it felt to say it, to hear myself say it; how it made me slow my speech; how it felt as my lips pressed together, and my tongue teased my palate as it reached in for my teeth. I didn’t know this woman and she had already brought me such a new experience of myself. I asked her for information and there wasn’t any. I didn’t know what I would do with this, but it felt like every door in front of me was open and that I was allowed to try. It felt like life.

Then I let Past-Self and Pretty talk to each other. Butting in with her years of experience, old me looked at us both and said—with authority—that people like us don’t deserve to feel that good. Right then and there, I knew this woman needed to die. I would kill her one way or another. Bigger than accepting who I was, was my need to denounce who I wasn’t.

I did not seek permission, but I wanted to tell them first—my family—this was not about them. I lost a percentage of my body weight as I wrote and rehearsed and delivered my speech…I couldn’t have dreamt a more supportive response…and at 2AM on a Friday, under one of the brightest displays of the Milky Way, I claimed who I was.

That was the easy part.

Stage 2: Making it Official

I sat on this decision for 15 years and now the bell had been rung. So consumed by the emotion of it all, I hadn’t researched the how. Like fundraising to participate in a marathon but not training for it. A quick internet search led me to book a “change my name please” appointment at the registry. Romantically, it was set for the exact day and time I changed my name the first time 19 years prior.

Luckily, champagne doesn’t quickly spoil. A due diligence phone call from the nice registry lady led me instead to two prerequisite appointments. I needed the okay from both the RCMP (five weeks processing time) and the city police (two weeks).

The happy surprise was that to submit the RCMP application the fingerprint people had to create an account under my NEW name! My first official paper on which someone else referred to me! This certainly softened the disappointment of having to wait. And, with the symbol it already was in hand, I immediately started treating myself differently. It felt like I started a new family, and the first and only family rule at this point was that we loved ourselves and therefore treated ourselves, others, and the world lovingly.

With this new instruction, and up to five weeks to fill, I embarked on a project.

The couple of preceding years held the memories of the flurry of experience that would lead someone to this choice. Little did I know I was within a larger grief journey. Denial and depression over with, here I was making a deal with my God. I bargained with work, key relationships, my ancestral lineage; trying to make sense of my life in those containers. Determined to get a fresh start, I bargained with myself on what memories to keep and started going through every picture, video, and voice memo I had on file: keep, throw away, too-painful-decide-later. I needed to see, touch, remember, and re-live all of it; acknowledge what wasn’t over: and what was.

I received a single page letter from the RCMP dated only two days after my fingerprinting appointment. Based on everyone telling me this would take five weeks, this must have been a “we are processing your request” note…like they know how much I like paper. Also dated within the week was the city police background check I received with my green light. Motivating! My RCMP check would likely come in within the month, so I told myself to just…keep…going on my project, which was hard.

I once listened to a woman speak of her excitement about assuming her fiancé’s name, "I believe in the family brand.” A different woman’s story ended in “I wish I had the same name as my kids.” Then there are the kids with hyphenated names, and the parents who hyphenated theirs after the fact. It took me until WAY further along in this journey to re-learn that the practice of assuming another person’s name is cultural and inconsistent. What allowed me to separate my identity from my desire to have a family was denouncing a rule that one of life’s random teachers tortured me with. It was firmly planted in my brain that people who do that, who change their name to “some damn thing they pick...better keep it forever.” The punishment, if I ever did re-marry, was that I could not change my name again. I guess because…it would frustrate other people? I had officially done my time. Processing my memories brought all my teachers in front of me and, one at a time, I decided which lessons to keep and which were bullshit.

I pity the fool that got in my way. Within one week, I set boundaries that shifted five different relationships. I blew off so much steam I needed a steam to calm the fuck down. I could see now that I hadn’t been there for myself and the work I needed to do to land safely. Well into the gestation period of being in and between both worlds, this work served as a critical lifeline while I tolerated the existing old; and was solid juice for starting over. The night before I finished, I dreamt I was employing an exorcist to get through the final stages. Oddly, even though my entire family changed my contact card in their phones on Milky Way Night, it was not until now I did this for myself. After eight weeks and 7000 files—simultaneously tired and rejuvenated—I caught up to myself. I felt like I knew where I was now, and what happened, and I was ready to be my next self.

I had been over-frequenting my mailbox for three weeks, but it did not strike me until this moment to double check that two-day letter I originally dismissed. Lo and behold, I had it the whole time. I was at the registry the next business day.

Hilarity ensued in the form of me not clocking the [ACTUAL APPLICATION] form required; creating a new account with my old name at the nearby library so I could panic-print the [WRONG] form within my appointment timeslot; eventually—now I’m behind the registry counter like I just got off break—three of us figure out the very confusing requirements (WRONG the first time because I’m from so many provinces); and my application was off! Four to six weeks processing time.

What I did not expect was that this was the death. I had to surrender my birth certificate: shit just got real. There it was, on the other side of the glass, and suddenly I was intellectually tossing a bit of dirt and laying a flower. That weekend there was a very intimate celebration of life. That was the first bottle of champagne.

The next day, ceremoniously, it felt like the labour began. I now had an approximate date that would be stamped on some paper stating when someone said I was me. I had been doing so much hard work looking back and burning the path I came in on that when I turned around, I didn’t recognize anything or know where I was. Letting your world be new is delightful: messages come from everywhere. My immediate takeaways were that my life would be beautiful and full of special moments, and that I would not be alone. But that didn’t mean there was no work to do.

During this next waiting period, something in me slowed down, dropped low, and I felt my eyes open on the inside. Now creepily watching myself, I strongly felt the need to cocoon. I started paying attention to how I treat myself and how I make decisions.

In my precious spare time, I analyzed the fuck out of everything and was flabbergasted how hard it was for me to simply make a choice based on what I wanted. One of the first big new decisions I made for myself led to me coining a phrase: Make a Maradyn Move. This has landed squarely in my toolbox to accompany awareness that I am making a choice I would not have before: one made with self-worth that aligns with the life I want to create for myself. I started scattering changes around and using big words like “do stuff that feels like someone is giving me the life I want.” I was learning new things and changing—bit by bit—in front of my own eyes.

It was exciting to dip my toe in, but I had so little experience that the whole thing was sloppy. One very frustrating day, after what had been almost another month of waiting (I was starting to check my mailbox even on weekends just in case the schedules of federal employees changed), I realized if someone swooped into my life today and offered me the life I wanted—if I could describe it—I could not. On the heels of that frustration, I got an email from Vital Statistics instructing me to get ANOTHER police check because I let too much time pass between the two-day letter and my application. Off to the cop shop again (two weeks processing time).

Another month went by, during which, I was feeling so tossed around by my present life my gut was now yelling at me to “stop the bleeding” everywhere. My shields went up. There were boundaries on my boundaries. Braver. I was handling everything with a “just wait until your father comes home” tone while I madly checked even my front mailbox multiple times a day, where they don’t deliver my mail. I dreamt someone at a party played a video of me and I hated it, so I stopped it. People stared while I desperately searched for a better video to represent me; there wasn’t one. This is when I knew that getting my new name was more than the symbol the naysayers suggested I didn’t need: it was a tool. I had a job to do—create a life I love—and Making Maradyn Moves was how I was going to do that.

Just as I became aware of the task ahead of me, my neighbour—who had no reason to check her mail multiple times an hour—found police background check #2 had been delivered to her mailbox. I emailed it immediately, with an unnecessarily desperate sounding message, “for the love of all that is sacred and holy, let me know if you need anything else” and—based on their delicate response—I was confident it was a matter of a stamp and mail delivery (5-10 business days).

My best friend said it felt like I had been “her” for a while now and we were sure all these delays had been divinely guided; to get me ready. Exactly eight days later she received the story in pictures: the unopened envelope—front and back—then opened, the certificate, the extravagant dinner I ordered in for myself under my new name…

And that dinner, because it included wine, was the first time I had to show I.D.—WHICH I DID NOT HAVE YET because there is an order to these things. That poor courier just needed proof of age, but no, he was going to appreciate the magnitude of my certificate, believe my story, and address me accurately damn it.

As for telling people, great freedom came with being unapologetic and letting no one speak for me. “Congratulations, nothing feels better than becoming yourself” came the best response ever. And zero birthdays are important…people don't usually get to celebrate an actual zero birthday, but I did. Hold on to people that throw you zero birthday parties. That was the second bottle of champagne.

Stage 3: Changing it Everywhere

All that to just make it official: true in the eyes of government and the law. Only now began the stage of changing it in my actual life; and the true journey of changing my actual life. I was so looking forward to the cleanse my life was about to get. I had promised myself “The Love Wash” wherein, as I went through every inch of my life from my passport to my Pizza Pizza card, I would clock anything that did not feel how I wanted to feel and change it on the spot.

Updating my online presence was low-hanging fruit; I found ways I didn’t even know I was misrepresenting myself. Things snowballed: I unsubscribed from stuff, fixed my car, made a will, and booked a check-up with my doctor. After about two weeks of power-name-changing, I arrived home to a mailbox FULL of letters addressed to my new name. My neighbour caught me in the moment as I was flipping through, “Wow! Whoa! Ohmygosh! Yeah!” We had a giggle and I left as she realized how un-exciting her mail was.

The trouble is, your life is huge and your name is everywhere. Doing this, you find the holes in the world’s systems and eventually—encountering people struggling to manage (let’s motivatingly call it) “substandard obsolete technology”—have to face someone horrifyingly saying to you “It doesn’t matter.” Even harder is encountering the things you yourself are struggling to manage; some are big life choices or projects on their own. The pressure was not helpful for what I was doing. I had to remove it, focus on changing my name everywhere without changing my life everywhere, and simply create a baseline.

I called it “done” when I had looked everywhere I could think of and had done my best. I knew my old name would still pop up here or there in life, and I could deal with it at that time, but there was nothing really left for me to do. As for anything that didn’t stick, it felt amazing using the “Not at This Address – Return to Sender” trick. in the end, it took nine months to get here from my original decision. The exact amount of time it takes to grow a person.

Stage 4: Changing My Life

I have no more room in my life for stories I don’t want to tell. Does it feel good when I’m awake and doing stuff? That is being alive. Can I feel the fire in my soul? That is my pilot light.

Now at the one-year mark from my original decision, the undercurrent of my life has shifted. It’s like I built a new terminal and different things land and take off from here compared to the boarded up one I came from.

Life is full of offers. You say yes or no to things one at a time and those choices create the path that becomes your life. Changing how you treat yourself is an uncomfortable process requiring practice, but that is the thing that changes how you make choices.

It starts with a pang, a little emotional punch—that’s my soul complaining. I take myself to the place where we have family chats, remind myself of the family rule, and honour myself with an authentic choice simply because I do in fact deserve to feel good.

And my family—whomever I chose to do life with—will grow from that foundation. That is the place I will find my people.

I love my name: saying it, writing it, knowing it, having it. That is new. I’m excited about who I am. That’s new. I’m committed to loving, caring for, protecting, supporting, and showing up for myself; and connecting with supportive people. That’s all new. I’m giving myself a new story to tell using a tool that’s building my sense of self-worth. I don’t need to react to a single thing in my life today the way I would have yesterday. I am starting to feel excited about my life again; knowing that it is a work of art in progress, and it will be better if I’m in it.

Oksana Kathryn Maradyn: present. ❤️

How To: The List I Wish I Had

Disclaimers:

This list is based on me being born in Saskatchewan, Canada and living in Alberta, Canada and is limited to the facets of my life as of 2021/2022.

It is important to know that a legal name change corrects or changes someone’s name as it appears on their current birth certificate. Only do this if that is what you want. You do not need to legally change your birth name to assume a partner’s name or to go back to using your name at birth.

Things change. If anyone reading this “in the future” finds things have evolved, rendering the list inaccurate, please leave a comment and I will update it accordingly.

1. Obtain supporting documents you will need to include with your Vital Statistics application:

   • Birth Certificate (the one you want to change)

     • If you do not have a copy of your current birth certificate you will need to order one before you are allowed to apply to change it.

     • Do this through the Vital Statistics office of the province you were born in. I did not have to do this, so you will need to confirm the turnaround time and cost for your applicable province.

   • RCMP Fingerprint Confirmation (allow 2 days to 5 weeks) - ~$80

     • Make an appointment to go to a fingerprinting service in person; specify it is for a legal name change.

     • They take your fingerprints and submit them to the RCMP for you. The RCMP performs a search to make sure you are not flagged for anything that would make them not want you to change your name. They then destroy your fingerprints for your privacy.

     • You will get a simple, single-page letter in the mail saying you have been processed for name change purposes.

   • Police Criminal Background Check (allow 2 weeks – TIME SENSITIVE) - ~$50

     • Do this through your local police detachment; either online or in person depending on what they offer.

     • They perform a search and provide you with a letter that discloses if you have a criminal record or not.

     • The date it was issued cannot be more than 30 days prior to you submitting your Vital Statistics application.

2. Apply for the name change through Vital Statistics (allow 6 weeks) - ~$200

   • Make an appointment at a registry; specify it is for a legal name change.

   • Complete the Legal Name Change Application prior to your appointment. It is important to know the application has two sections that require different proof of who you are in each:

     • Proof of Name section: use your original birth certificate. Note: You will have to surrender your birth certificate with this application.

     • Applicant Information section: use your current ID.

3. While you wait, decide what your new email will be. YOU WILL NEED THIS FOR EVERYTHING THAT COMES NEXT.

   • I didn’t want to hit go or send out the new address until it was official (I recommend this just in case) but I wish I had planned out what I was going to do ahead of time.

   • If you have any tech to sort out, I recommend doing it at this stage (e.g., I chose to consolidate/simplify how I use my electronic services (i.e., email, contacts, tasks, cloud storage, calendar), but it took awhile to learn about what I was even using, then decide what to keep/change, and then set it all up how I want.

   • If you feel so inclined you can also prepare the paperwork you will need for step 7.

4. You receive your Legal Name Change certificate in the mail!!!

   • Celebrate! FYI, if there are no issues, you will simply get a certificate in the mail. If there are issues, they will email both you and the registry with what they are missing. I got the email...it all worked out. No panic required.

   • Set up that new email address if you have not hit go on that yet. But DO NOT delete your original account yet: forward it to your new one so you don’t get any more emails to manage there. Many account changes involve sending email verifications to your old email address for you to update it. The last thing you need is your Pizza Pizza app sending your old self coupons. But there’s nothing worse (ok not true) than losing your Pizza Pizza order history. When you are done changing it everywhere, that’s when you’ll get rid of your old email account. Give your new email to any key contact that need it right away.

   • Be mindful of the order of operation of the following steps.

5. BIG ROCKS: FIRST WAVE. Go back to the registry office and change:

   • Driver's License/Photo ID (~2 weeks)

     • Because you'll get a temporary card, which does not have photo ID, DO NOT change your passport until you get your replacement card in the mail. You will need it as photo ID in combination with your Legal Name Change Certificate while you wait: to prove to anyone who you are.

     • Also WAIT to change any other travel-related documents until you are changing your passport.

   • Health care

     • It will be official in their systems within about a week. That is when you can download a new proof of vaccination card.

     • Your physical card will come in the mail (up to a month). OMG, shredding my old card felt great.

   • They can take your passport photo so that when you are ready to do that application you have the photo already...the passport photo just needs to be taken within 6 months of your passport application.

   • Vehicle registration (immediate)

6. Go to the bank next (into the branch).

   • Why next?

     • I tried to update my info my with clients, but how they pay you is connected to your banking. So do your bank changes before changing anything with work.

     • If any of your government accounts are tied to your bank as a sign-in partner, it will make things easier if you do this first.

   • Don't forget all your banks (i.e., think of mortgage, group savings, out of country). Note: One of my banks would not accept the name change without my SIN number being updated first (see step 7).

   • Make sure you ask them to change it everywhere (i.e., cards, online banking, statements, cheques, accounts at other branches). I had to go back in person twice and wait a month for it all to get sorted out just because the first person did not change it in all the places.

7. BIG ROCKS: SECOND WAVE. These are reliant on each other as noted in-line (i.e., require waiting time in between), and all need separate applications/calls/updates

   • Birth Certificate: Order a new one online from Vital Statistics. When you are filling in “Name at Birth” it is YOUR NEW NAME.

     • Service Canada: With your new birth certificate in hand, you can now make an appointment to change any accounts you have (e.g., SIN). Do this BEFORE you change your passport in case you end up mailing your passport application.

       • CRA Business Accounts: these change automatically based on the above being done, but it takes a month or so before you actually see the change online.

     • Passport: With your new birth certificate in hand, you can now submit your passport application. Note: This requires temporarily surrendering your new birth certificate.

       • With your new passport in hand, you can now change any other travel-related accounts (e.g., Nexus, points cards)

   • CRA Individual Account: I had to write them a letter and actually mail it.

   • Insurance: be sure to update all the kinds you have (i.e., life, home, vehicle, critical illness, professional liability, financial.)

   • Title on your home:

     • I just talked to my lawyer.

     • Alternatively, you can download a Statutory Declaration Regarding a Change of Name form (i.e., from Service Alberta), get it signed by a commissioner for oaths at a registry, and mail or drop it off at the Land Titles office with your official Change of Name certificate and a small fee. You will get confirmation of the change in the mail.

   • Monthly bills: energy, internet, mobile, condo fees…keep the lights on.

8. Work

   • Tend to any manners in which you get paid first.

   • Next, deal with the fact that YOUR OLD NAME IS EVERYWHERE. Ask your tech department to change it, but expect 2 things:

     • There will be this glorious moment at some point where suddenly you see your new name everywhere! I was working on a document with a hundred of my own comments and in flash I saw my new name a hundred times…it was exciting!

     • There will be places that are hard for them to figure out where your old name keeps coming from. It feels horrible when someone tells you “it doesn’t matter” because they haven’t figured it out yet and they just want you to go away. It sure as fucking hell DOES matter!@5$ For me, it took me seven months, but I can say—based on experience—they absolutely can change your name in every single deep dark recess of the digital landscape…at least to the point where you experience it.. Don’t settle…you worked too hard for this.

9. Everything else: while you are waiting for each of the above processes to complete, most of your other accounts are fine with you just telling them your new info, or they'll just want the certificate or ID you already have. If you do not care about it taking a while then just update each account as you encounter it in your life.

   • I found it helpful to go through the following as a checklist to feel satisfied that I was done:

     • Brower bookmarks

     • Electronic [or paper] filing system

     • That little [I refuse to have a fat wallet] place where I tucked away all the plastic cards

     • Actual wallet

     • Apps on my phone

     • My own home network stuff

   • While going through each of these, it’s possible to get rid of any annoyances along the way (e.g., unsubscribing from mailing lists).

   • For whoever is listening: I really appreciate tech providers that allow you to manage your profile (i.e., change your name). Gosh if the banks can do it, you can too.

10. Once enough time goes by, or you have spent enough focused effort on it that you are satisfied, you can get rid of your old email (if you so choose).